Saturday, April 25, 2009

Random thoughts

I know many of you reading this will understand my feelings. It seems like not being able to conceive makes me feel like I'm running out of friends I can truly express my feelings to. More and more of my friends are having babies and I just don't feel like I can be completely honest about my feelings with them. I try to be a good supportive friend but in reality that evil green monster doesn't allow me to be truly happy for them. Am I being selfish? Probably. I just feel that I deserve to be happy and if that means I avoid some ppl for some time until I come to terms with things then so be it.

On another note, for some reason I feel like I'm closer to becoming a mother then ever before. This may just be wishful thinking but I'm a bit of a superstitious person and there have been several signs lately. However, this may just be another form of coping. Either way, wish me luck and send baby dust my way. I'm hoping this month is the one that changes my life forever :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dreams Suck!

I am one of those few people that actually remembers what their dreams were about. I can pretty much tell you in detail what I dream on a daily basis. I used to love this, that is until they started turning into nothing but pregnancy and baby related dreams. Even worse is that fact that I'll think about my dreams all day long and often can't shake the feeling of sadness I wake up with in the mornings. I was just thinking about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. That dream scarred me for much so that I still remember every little detail. If any of you happen to specialize in dream interpretation feel free to take a stab at this one.

Scene 1
The dream starts off with two of my coworkers telling me they are throwing me a baby shower even though I am obviously not pregnant. They tell me my shower will start in a few minutes so I must get ready. I proceed to tell them, this is a crazy idea as everyone will know as soon as they see me that there is no way I am with child. Their response "fake it". "Just fake it for today so you can get all the gifts and maybe even money and then just get pregnant as soon as possible". I try to explain to them that I can't get pregnant and that this will never work since I have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. For some reason they don't hear me or don't care about this and keep pushing me into my room so I can change for my baby shower.

Scene 2
I'm in my closet trying on clothes and standing in front of the mirror. I'm trying to find an outfit that will make me look pregnant and am now considering stuffing a pillow under my shirt. I start to cry because I know I'm not going to get pregnant fast enough so that no one will find out what's really going on. After numerous outfits I finally decide on a shirt which in real life has earned me several comments from people about whether or not I'm pregnant lol.

Scene 3
Party is in full swing and everybody I know is at this party. Co-workers, ex co-workers, relatives, friends, friends of get the picture. I'm fake smiling and trying to hold back the nervousness I feel because I just know somebody is going to out me. The guest form a line and proceed to walk by me one by one handing me their gifts. Many of which are white envelopes which contain money to be used on the baby. One after another they congratulate me and hand me my gift. Everyone is having fun and yet all i can think about is that there is no way I will be able to get pregnant.

If that doesn't sound awful to you, it's probably because I wasn't able to convey the emotional hell I was going through in this dream. I don't think I've ever had a dream as horrible as that one. Even thinking about it now and remembering the desperation I felt in my dream makes me sad.

Okay enough with the sadness. I was finally able to convince Mr. G to buy me a guitar for my birthday. His reasoning for not wanting to buy it is two-fold.
1. I have never ever played the guitar and don't know a thing about guitars. In fact, up until last week I've never been remotely interested in picking one up much less actually playing one.
2. He thinks I come up with crazy new ideas whenever I'm bored and will soon be over it. In all fairness to him, I do tend to come up with new things I just have to have or I will die! However, after a week or so of wanting something I completely forget about it and move on to my next want just like when I wanted the WII, the iphone, a pug and so on and so forth.

That being said I am still completely convinced I can learn how to play by watching instructional videos on youtube, yes I'm being serious! Truthfully, it didn't take much to convince Mr. G to get the guitar for me...just a little charm and a thick layer of guilt. My b-day is a week from Sunday and I'm already thinking of the multiple songs I will learn to play on my new guitar. I just know I will be like Violet from the movie Coyote Ugly. Writing songs and ultimately selling one to an uber famous singer.

Unless of course, I get frustrated within the first two minutes of "playing" and abandon it in some dark corner of our house.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Blogging for survival

This is my very first time posting a blog. I love the fact that I'm finally sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world. I'll admit though it's sad that the only reason I'm sharing is because I feel like my mind is going to explode unless I let some of my thoughts out.

So since I'm new around here I'll give you some background info. I'm a sarcastic and bitter 26 year old gal from Texas. I've been married for 8 years. 8 years of love, hugs, kisses, hatred, blood, tears, fears, threats, promises....etc. It's been one hell of a ride filled with happiness and excitement and sometimes just damn right awfulness. That's right kids, marriage is not the picture perfect fairytale we dreamed of when we were younger. The truth is though, I think my marriage is great! It's real and honest and that's what I love about it! We married young and have been blessed with the ability to fulfill many of our early dreams and aspirations. However, there is that one dream that doesn't seem to materialize for us, the one thing that gives us agony every minute of every day. I'm sure you're thinking 1 dream out of many doesn't seem so bad. The problem is that one dream is that which is supposed to shape the rest of our lives together. Starting our family is something we've talked about since the beginning of our relationship and was supposed to have happened effortlessley. After all I come from a family that can produce babies like they're getting paid to do it. I don't know of anybody in my family, immediate or extended, who had problems conceiving.

To be honest, we've never really done anything to prevent getting pregnant. Even when I was in college, I wasn't on BCP or any other form of contraceptives, we were just more careful (whatever that means). So what, if anything are we doing about this problem? NOTHING! We've put it off for such a long time, mainly because we've always had an excuse as to why we didn't need to start "trying" yet. The thing is, recently I realized that we've run out of excuses and the truth is I'm just scared shitless. This past year was so hard on me emotionally because I had to deal with close relatives and friends getting pregnant as easy as somebody catches the flu. It has me wondering whether I will be able to cope with the actual process of fertility treatment. How am I supposed to cope with countless doctor visits and charting and medications if I can barely make it through a baby shower. During the last 12 months I've had to sit through and host several baby showers and have had to live thru the much dreaded conversation that never fails to sneak up on me even though I know it's coming. This is how the conversation usually goes...

Nosey B: "So, how long have you and Mr. G been married?

Me: "well, it's been about 8 and a half years now"

Nosey B: "really? That's a long how time flies"

Me: "yup it sure does" ( I know where this is going and am now looking for the nearest exit)

Nosey B: "So, why don't you have kids yet? You too should really start having kids, you know you're not getting any younger"

Me: "Well, it is something that we've been thinking about lately (LIE) and we're starting to come around to the idea of starting a family (LIE) We're just not 100% sure we want to have kids yet (LIE! LIE! LIE!)

Usually I end the above conversation with some smart ass remark and then walk away, my heart suddenly filled with hatred and bitterness. The day ends with me in tears, reliving the experience and imagining what it would have felt like to speak up for myself and say what was on my mind.

What I wish I could have said is "WTF? What kind of stupid question is that? Why would you ever ask somebody that? Do you know that we have been trying for so long now and are seriously contemplating the possibility that we may be infertile?!! If you only knew how hard it was for me to get up this day. To get ready for a baby shower that is, once again not for me! I have to prep for hours just to be able to oooohhh and ahhhhh at all the baby gifts like a normal, non-bitter guest does. To get mentally ready for the f*ed up questions some nosey bitch just like you will undoubtedly ask me. You don't know what it's like to see pregnant coworkers all day and to cry unexpectedly when a random image or sound reminds you of what you don't have. To cry uncontrollabley while asking god why it is that you can't have a child. To scream out that you've had it with him and that he is unfair, only to feel guilty 2 seconds later for being angry with god. You don't know what it's like and you never will and that is why you had the audacity and the stupidity to ask me what you just did"

So as you can see I have a little pent up anger that I need to work on, hence the need for this blog. I'm hoping some of you out there that have been through this can help me out. My goal is to ultimately take the leap and start the process of seeking help. How did you all take that giant leap from trying for a baby to actually "trying to conceive"?