Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Blogging for survival

This is my very first time posting a blog. I love the fact that I'm finally sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world. I'll admit though it's sad that the only reason I'm sharing is because I feel like my mind is going to explode unless I let some of my thoughts out.

So since I'm new around here I'll give you some background info. I'm a sarcastic and bitter 26 year old gal from Texas. I've been married for 8 years. 8 years of love, hugs, kisses, hatred, blood, tears, fears, threats, promises....etc. It's been one hell of a ride filled with happiness and excitement and sometimes just damn right awfulness. That's right kids, marriage is not the picture perfect fairytale we dreamed of when we were younger. The truth is though, I think my marriage is great! It's real and honest and that's what I love about it! We married young and have been blessed with the ability to fulfill many of our early dreams and aspirations. However, there is that one dream that doesn't seem to materialize for us, the one thing that gives us agony every minute of every day. I'm sure you're thinking 1 dream out of many doesn't seem so bad. The problem is that one dream is that which is supposed to shape the rest of our lives together. Starting our family is something we've talked about since the beginning of our relationship and was supposed to have happened effortlessley. After all I come from a family that can produce babies like they're getting paid to do it. I don't know of anybody in my family, immediate or extended, who had problems conceiving.

To be honest, we've never really done anything to prevent getting pregnant. Even when I was in college, I wasn't on BCP or any other form of contraceptives, we were just more careful (whatever that means). So what, if anything are we doing about this problem? NOTHING! We've put it off for such a long time, mainly because we've always had an excuse as to why we didn't need to start "trying" yet. The thing is, recently I realized that we've run out of excuses and the truth is I'm just scared shitless. This past year was so hard on me emotionally because I had to deal with close relatives and friends getting pregnant as easy as somebody catches the flu. It has me wondering whether I will be able to cope with the actual process of fertility treatment. How am I supposed to cope with countless doctor visits and charting and medications if I can barely make it through a baby shower. During the last 12 months I've had to sit through and host several baby showers and have had to live thru the much dreaded conversation that never fails to sneak up on me even though I know it's coming. This is how the conversation usually goes...

Nosey B: "So, how long have you and Mr. G been married?

Me: "well, it's been about 8 and a half years now"

Nosey B: "really? That's a long time...my how time flies"

Me: "yup it sure does" ( I know where this is going and am now looking for the nearest exit)

Nosey B: "So, why don't you have kids yet? You too should really start having kids, you know you're not getting any younger"

Me: "Well, it is something that we've been thinking about lately (LIE) and we're starting to come around to the idea of starting a family (LIE) We're just not 100% sure we want to have kids yet (LIE! LIE! LIE!)

Usually I end the above conversation with some smart ass remark and then walk away, my heart suddenly filled with hatred and bitterness. The day ends with me in tears, reliving the experience and imagining what it would have felt like to speak up for myself and say what was on my mind.

What I wish I could have said is "WTF? What kind of stupid question is that? Why would you ever ask somebody that? Do you know that we have been trying for so long now and are seriously contemplating the possibility that we may be infertile?!! If you only knew how hard it was for me to get up this day. To get ready for a baby shower that is, once again not for me! I have to prep for hours just to be able to oooohhh and ahhhhh at all the baby gifts like a normal, non-bitter guest does. To get mentally ready for the f*ed up questions some nosey bitch just like you will undoubtedly ask me. You don't know what it's like to see pregnant coworkers all day and to cry unexpectedly when a random image or sound reminds you of what you don't have. To cry uncontrollabley while asking god why it is that you can't have a child. To scream out that you've had it with him and that he is unfair, only to feel guilty 2 seconds later for being angry with god. You don't know what it's like and you never will and that is why you had the audacity and the stupidity to ask me what you just did"

So as you can see I have a little pent up anger that I need to work on, hence the need for this blog. I'm hoping some of you out there that have been through this can help me out. My goal is to ultimately take the leap and start the process of seeking help. How did you all take that giant leap from trying for a baby to actually "trying to conceive"?


  1. I found your blog by reading comments over at The Angry Infertile. I'm so glad you decided to start one. I too have been married for 8 almost 9 years and just this year got really serious about TTC even though we've known for years that we would probably need to go directly to IVF. I can understand your frustration, disappointment, bitterness, and WTF moments when completely inconsiderate people makes comments about your age and it's relation to popping out babies.

    Welcome to the TTC/IF blog world. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us all. The support these people provide is extraordinary and truly we understand it all like no one else can.

  2. Hi! I came over from The Angry Infertile too. Just wanted to welcome you to the IF blogosphere! And I second everything Erin said. Unfortunately we can relate all too well to the feelings you've expressed, but it's definitely nice to have support from others going through the same things.