Tuesday, October 13, 2009

More than a little nervous

Just thought I'd update on what's been going on lately. Round 2 of clomid was a bust! Apparently my body does not do what it is supposed to when on clomid. So I had a discussion with my RE about next steps. We are either going to do injectables or IVF. I know there is a big difference in the two but the reason I am considering IVF already is that I don't want to go through cycle after cycle, for god knows how long, only to end up doing IVF in the end. This is all so nerve wrecking and I haven't made up my mind either way. I don't have to decide just yet so that's a good thing.

The immediate next step is a laporoscopy/hysteroscopy. My RE saw what he thinks is a dilated right tube during my HSG so he wants to go in and see if in fact it is dilated. He is going to try to repair it but if that doesn't work he will remove it. Now I know this sounds counter-productive. Here I am trying to have a baby and yet I'm going to have a tube removed. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean I don't love the fact that I may lose a tube but on the other hand if it's not doing anything anyway then who cares. So I'm having the lap done tomorrow and let me just say I am more than just a little nervous. I have never been in the hospital and while I know this is the best option for me at the moment, I'm scared that I will not wake up from the anesthesia or that something will go wrong during the procedure. I know that I'm being paranoid but again I've never been in the hospital before! Meanwhile I'm driving my husband crazy by making sure he knows where to find necessary information regarding my life insurance lol. My poor hubby must think I'm insane.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

nobody said life was fair.

Warning *Rant*

I'm on my 2nd round of clomid after 9 years of marriage and no preventing EVER! My bff just told me that she's late and thinks she's pg. She has a 9 month old son. She had only been dating her bf for a few months when she found out she was expecting. The thing is she's told me that they don't have a good relationship and neither of them thinks their relationship will last. I hope everything works out for her and I really do want nothing but the best for her. However, I can't help but feel like a failure. Once more someone else has gotten pg and here I am still waiting. It makes me so mad that other ppl have babies with such ease. Why is it so hard for us? Why do we have to endure appts, dr's, blood tests...etc when others have it so easy? I'm so frustrated right now and just had to let it out. I have to move on and stay positive and pray that my dh and I will soon get our blessing!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Cycle 1 Update

Just wanted to give an update on what has been going on with me. I am currently on my very first 2WW! I'm actually nearing the end of it :) We did a round of clomid + trigger shot. Because I'm so impatient I've already tested about 4 times (10DPO, 11DPO, 13DPO) and I've yet to see that BFP. Surprisingly I haven't been devastated by the BFNs yet. I think it's because right now I can still tell myself "it's still too early". I am going to test once more tomorrow which will be 15DPO. We'll see what happens.
On another note, as luck would have it as soon as we started our first medicated cycle, my DH loses his job. He is very bummed about this but is out looking for another job as we speak and I know in my heart that all will be okay for us. It's like I was telling a close friend of mine earlier. I feel as is god is doing some reshuffling around in my life. I am just going to let him do all the rearranging that he needs to do and will then enjoy all the good that comes out of the changes. We're going to be alright!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Frustrated with my RE

I went in for a sono today and it turned out to be a waste of time. I was scheduled on CD12 to check how I am responding to the clomid. Well after my sono Dr. G says it was too early to really get an indication of my response and said I needed to come back on CD14. Shouldn't his staff have known to schedule me on CD13 or CD14? Not only that but during my sono Dr. G kept asking me things he should already know. For example he asked me was I doing IUI or timed intercourse...shouldn't he know this? Then he asked me was this my first clomid cycle...um why couldn't he take a few mins to go over my chart before I walked in? I know he was really busy and it was Labor day and all but I still feel like I deserve more attention than what he was giving me. I know that because I'm doing clomid w/timed intercourse I'm not as high on his priority list as say an IVF patient but I'm still a patient. I'm beginning to question whether I need to look for a new RE. Not really sure what to do here since he is the first RE that I have seen and therefore have nothing to compare him to. I really like his staff and usually feel like I'm getting great service so maybe today was just a fluke. I have another sono scheduled for Wednesday morning. I'm going to see how that goes but if I'm getting the same kind of treatment I will definitely have to talk to him about how I feel.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

There's always a silver lining!

It's been so long since the last time I posted but I promise I'm going to get better at this ;)

So after many dr appts we have finally began the treatment phase of our ttc journey. After extensive conversations with our RE regarding IVF and IUI we decided to take baby steps and are going to try a couple of rounds of clomid & timed intercourse (so romantic). I have been on clomid for 2 days now and I have to say I'm not really experiencing the symptoms I've read so much about. My husband is nervously waiting for me to become a hormonal, mean, emotional bitch but I'm glad to report that has not happened (yet!) I actually did experience something weird yesterday. I was watching Step Brothers and caught myself being on the verge of tears. There's one scene towards the end where Brennan's brother is having a childhood memory and for some reason that just got to me. I'm going to go ahead and blame that on the Clomid :)

I am supposed to start using OPKs on Saturday and then go in for a sono on Labor Day at 8:30am. Is it sad that I'm secretly hopeful? On the one hand I keep thinking that since we're not really doing anything but taking Clomid we shouldn't expect much but another side of me is saying "Clomid may be just what you needed all along". I am going to give this method 2 or 3 shots but no more than that. If after 3 cycles we have not had any results, we will be moving on to IVF.

Want to hear some great news about our ttc journey (yes, there is a silver lining)? We found out my insurance will cover about 3 IVF cycles!! This is why we don't want to spend too much time with other methods when we have the funds to do IVF. Let's hope we don't need more than the 3.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Bummed after HSG

I had my HSG today and learned that my right tube is dilated. I did a quick google search on this but don't feel like I get the full picture. My Dr. will be giving me more info on my next appt but I wanted to see if any of you out there have had this issue. What does this mean? Can this be repaired? I'm going to be doing some more research but if any of you have some info you can pass on, please do.

Monday, June 1, 2009

All I needed was a plan!

Today was my very first RE appt. My hubby and I walked into Dr. G's office not knowing what to expect. It was actually a lot cozier than I imagined. We first sat down and spoke to the head nurse who was very nice and precise (I like that). She asked us all kinds of questions and then walked us over to Dr. G's office. The very first thing that I liked was that he sat us down at a small round table that was in the middle of the room. He went through the reproductive cycle (as if I had never heard this) and showed us what happens when during each cycle.

We talked for about 20 mins and touched on various subjects including how to cope with our emotions. He explained to my husband that men and women cope differently with infertility and that it would probably be helpful to both of us if we chose a close friend we could vent to when we were feeling preoccupied. He agreed with my Ob/gyn about PCOS being the cause for my troubles. He said he would move as fast as we wanted him to and that it was up to us how aggressive we wanted to be.

I almost started crying a few times during our discussion but then he said the following which put a smile on my face "There is no doubt I can get you pregnant we just have to figure out what route we want to take to get you there". Yes I know, he has to be reassuring but that still made me feel good. I had another sonogram done (which Dr. G did himself) and then he sent my pharmacy a prescription for Provera. He is going to do an HSG on me this month and has instructed my hubby to get a SA. He said we'll get this done in June so that we can start whatever treatment we decide on in July.

All of this is new to us and scary but also very comforting. Comforting because we finally have a plan in place. My hubby said something to me on our way back home that took me by surprise. He asked me why did I want to cry when we were talking to Dr. G. He said he could tell because my voice sounded different and I wasn't being as outspoken as I normally am. I explained to him it's just difficult to have to go through this. To which he responded "true but I know this is going to work and then we'll be dealing with taking care of our spoiled babies" lol. I love my hubby, he made me feel hopeful.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

What is hope?

I know I have not been good about keeping up with my blog. I think I've been avoiding posting because I have so many mixed emotions about my life and future right now. Several things have happened since my last post.

I went to see my ob/gyn for my annual exam and I took that time to speak to my dr. about my fertility issues. He ran several tests and even did a sonogram. Findings came back as expected, normal on all fronts. Except for the fact that my dr. thinks I may have PCOS. He gave me lots of info and even referred me to an RE. I called and made an appt but I have to admit, I'm very nervous about my appt with the RE. On the plus side I may be able to finally find out what's wrong with me. I took one of those online PCOS quizzes and I scored fairly high. I guess the possibility that I have PCOS is very likely but that does not necessarily scare me. At least I will know once in for all what is wrong with me. I have mixed feelings about this journey I'm about to embark on. I'm excited to get the ball rolling on fertility treatments but at the same time I'm very nervous that this journey may lead to NOTHING! It just seems that NOTHING is exactly what I have accomplished on all baby related fronts.

One of my close friends said something to me that's really been on my mind. She said hope is the last thing we lose. The problem with this is that I feel like I lost hope a while ago. So what do I have if I dont' even have hope? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action!

I found the above quote and thought it was perfect for today's post :)

I know I've been MIA this past week but I've been really busy at work plus my mom was in town for the weekend. Things have been good this past week, my hubby organized a little get together for my birthday on Saturday. Most of my family and friends came over to celebrate with me. I had a lot of fun and didn't even get depressed when both my best friend and my sister in law arrived at my house with their new babies. The conversation turned into babies 101 but only for a few minutes so I didn't mind. How could I when babies are just so darn cute and they have those fat little cheeks you just want to keep pinching!

On another note, my sister made some calls last week and setup an appt for me on Friday for my annual exam. She said somebody had to make the call and if it wasn't going to be me, she would gladly do it :) Thank God for great sisters! I really did want to make an appt but it's just one of those things that I kept putting off, plus I had to find a new doctor and I definitely did not want to deal with that.

I plan to tell the doctor that we have been trying to conceive for a while now and I also plan on asking him to refer me to an RE. I have decided to stop talking about getting help and to actually get the ball rolling. Once I have that referral, I will immediately make an appt. I guess having yet another baby-less birthday has inspired me to do something about our fertility issues.

Ironically, AF is now 3 days late. I took a test last night but I got a BFN. Not sure what's going on. Oh well...I'll just have to see what the doc says this Friday.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Random thoughts

I know many of you reading this will understand my feelings. It seems like not being able to conceive makes me feel like I'm running out of friends I can truly express my feelings to. More and more of my friends are having babies and I just don't feel like I can be completely honest about my feelings with them. I try to be a good supportive friend but in reality that evil green monster doesn't allow me to be truly happy for them. Am I being selfish? Probably. I just feel that I deserve to be happy and if that means I avoid some ppl for some time until I come to terms with things then so be it.

On another note, for some reason I feel like I'm closer to becoming a mother then ever before. This may just be wishful thinking but I'm a bit of a superstitious person and there have been several signs lately. However, this may just be another form of coping. Either way, wish me luck and send baby dust my way. I'm hoping this month is the one that changes my life forever :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dreams Suck!

I am one of those few people that actually remembers what their dreams were about. I can pretty much tell you in detail what I dream on a daily basis. I used to love this, that is until they started turning into nothing but pregnancy and baby related dreams. Even worse is that fact that I'll think about my dreams all day long and often can't shake the feeling of sadness I wake up with in the mornings. I was just thinking about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. That dream scarred me for life...so much so that I still remember every little detail. If any of you happen to specialize in dream interpretation feel free to take a stab at this one.

Scene 1
The dream starts off with two of my coworkers telling me they are throwing me a baby shower even though I am obviously not pregnant. They tell me my shower will start in a few minutes so I must get ready. I proceed to tell them, this is a crazy idea as everyone will know as soon as they see me that there is no way I am with child. Their response "fake it". "Just fake it for today so you can get all the gifts and maybe even money and then just get pregnant as soon as possible". I try to explain to them that I can't get pregnant and that this will never work since I have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. For some reason they don't hear me or don't care about this and keep pushing me into my room so I can change for my baby shower.

Scene 2
I'm in my closet trying on clothes and standing in front of the mirror. I'm trying to find an outfit that will make me look pregnant and am now considering stuffing a pillow under my shirt. I start to cry because I know I'm not going to get pregnant fast enough so that no one will find out what's really going on. After numerous outfits I finally decide on a shirt which in real life has earned me several comments from people about whether or not I'm pregnant lol.

Scene 3
Party is in full swing and everybody I know is at this party. Co-workers, ex co-workers, relatives, friends, friends of relatives...you get the picture. I'm fake smiling and trying to hold back the nervousness I feel because I just know somebody is going to out me. The guest form a line and proceed to walk by me one by one handing me their gifts. Many of which are white envelopes which contain money to be used on the baby. One after another they congratulate me and hand me my gift. Everyone is having fun and yet all i can think about is that there is no way I will be able to get pregnant.

If that doesn't sound awful to you, it's probably because I wasn't able to convey the emotional hell I was going through in this dream. I don't think I've ever had a dream as horrible as that one. Even thinking about it now and remembering the desperation I felt in my dream makes me sad.

Okay enough with the sadness. I was finally able to convince Mr. G to buy me a guitar for my birthday. His reasoning for not wanting to buy it is two-fold.
1. I have never ever played the guitar and don't know a thing about guitars. In fact, up until last week I've never been remotely interested in picking one up much less actually playing one.
2. He thinks I come up with crazy new ideas whenever I'm bored and will soon be over it. In all fairness to him, I do tend to come up with new things I just have to have or I will die! However, after a week or so of wanting something I completely forget about it and move on to my next want just like when I wanted the WII, the iphone, a pug and so on and so forth.

That being said I am still completely convinced I can learn how to play by watching instructional videos on youtube, yes I'm being serious! Truthfully, it didn't take much to convince Mr. G to get the guitar for me...just a little charm and a thick layer of guilt. My b-day is a week from Sunday and I'm already thinking of the multiple songs I will learn to play on my new guitar. I just know I will be like Violet from the movie Coyote Ugly. Writing songs and ultimately selling one to an uber famous singer.

Unless of course, I get frustrated within the first two minutes of "playing" and abandon it in some dark corner of our house.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Blogging for survival

This is my very first time posting a blog. I love the fact that I'm finally sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world. I'll admit though it's sad that the only reason I'm sharing is because I feel like my mind is going to explode unless I let some of my thoughts out.

So since I'm new around here I'll give you some background info. I'm a sarcastic and bitter 26 year old gal from Texas. I've been married for 8 years. 8 years of love, hugs, kisses, hatred, blood, tears, fears, threats, promises....etc. It's been one hell of a ride filled with happiness and excitement and sometimes just damn right awfulness. That's right kids, marriage is not the picture perfect fairytale we dreamed of when we were younger. The truth is though, I think my marriage is great! It's real and honest and that's what I love about it! We married young and have been blessed with the ability to fulfill many of our early dreams and aspirations. However, there is that one dream that doesn't seem to materialize for us, the one thing that gives us agony every minute of every day. I'm sure you're thinking 1 dream out of many doesn't seem so bad. The problem is that one dream is that which is supposed to shape the rest of our lives together. Starting our family is something we've talked about since the beginning of our relationship and was supposed to have happened effortlessley. After all I come from a family that can produce babies like they're getting paid to do it. I don't know of anybody in my family, immediate or extended, who had problems conceiving.

To be honest, we've never really done anything to prevent getting pregnant. Even when I was in college, I wasn't on BCP or any other form of contraceptives, we were just more careful (whatever that means). So what, if anything are we doing about this problem? NOTHING! We've put it off for such a long time, mainly because we've always had an excuse as to why we didn't need to start "trying" yet. The thing is, recently I realized that we've run out of excuses and the truth is I'm just scared shitless. This past year was so hard on me emotionally because I had to deal with close relatives and friends getting pregnant as easy as somebody catches the flu. It has me wondering whether I will be able to cope with the actual process of fertility treatment. How am I supposed to cope with countless doctor visits and charting and medications if I can barely make it through a baby shower. During the last 12 months I've had to sit through and host several baby showers and have had to live thru the much dreaded conversation that never fails to sneak up on me even though I know it's coming. This is how the conversation usually goes...

Nosey B: "So, how long have you and Mr. G been married?

Me: "well, it's been about 8 and a half years now"

Nosey B: "really? That's a long time...my how time flies"

Me: "yup it sure does" ( I know where this is going and am now looking for the nearest exit)

Nosey B: "So, why don't you have kids yet? You too should really start having kids, you know you're not getting any younger"

Me: "Well, it is something that we've been thinking about lately (LIE) and we're starting to come around to the idea of starting a family (LIE) We're just not 100% sure we want to have kids yet (LIE! LIE! LIE!)

Usually I end the above conversation with some smart ass remark and then walk away, my heart suddenly filled with hatred and bitterness. The day ends with me in tears, reliving the experience and imagining what it would have felt like to speak up for myself and say what was on my mind.

What I wish I could have said is "WTF? What kind of stupid question is that? Why would you ever ask somebody that? Do you know that we have been trying for so long now and are seriously contemplating the possibility that we may be infertile?!! If you only knew how hard it was for me to get up this day. To get ready for a baby shower that is, once again not for me! I have to prep for hours just to be able to oooohhh and ahhhhh at all the baby gifts like a normal, non-bitter guest does. To get mentally ready for the f*ed up questions some nosey bitch just like you will undoubtedly ask me. You don't know what it's like to see pregnant coworkers all day and to cry unexpectedly when a random image or sound reminds you of what you don't have. To cry uncontrollabley while asking god why it is that you can't have a child. To scream out that you've had it with him and that he is unfair, only to feel guilty 2 seconds later for being angry with god. You don't know what it's like and you never will and that is why you had the audacity and the stupidity to ask me what you just did"

So as you can see I have a little pent up anger that I need to work on, hence the need for this blog. I'm hoping some of you out there that have been through this can help me out. My goal is to ultimately take the leap and start the process of seeking help. How did you all take that giant leap from trying for a baby to actually "trying to conceive"?